Yesterday marked 3 months since you left, a quarter of a year without you. I don’t know how I’ve made it this far. Today your dad’s wife left him and went back to Italy. I think of him alone in your home without you or your mum and I worry for him. I know whenContinue reading “A Quarter of a Year”
Tag Archives: widowed
I Just Need You
I am desperate to talk to you, to be comforted by you, to be held by you. The pup’s leg is really bad, she’s barely standing on it again and we both need you. We buried your ashes on Friday, it was the hardest part so far. So final, you were in such a smallContinue reading “I Just Need You”
The Nothingness
That’s where you are, your consciousness has ended, you experience nothing and you remember nothing. I am nothing to you now. That is what I want, the nothingness, the end. I notice online lots of people screaming for help to get rid of these thoughts but I welcome them. I don’t share them with anyoneContinue reading “The Nothingness”
Alone
Today has been a day of alone. For days now the pain has been outside of my bones, slicing through every part of me, I can’t find a way to put it back inside. I reached out to all 4 of them and him, they can usually help me take control of it but IContinue reading “Alone”
A Love Letter
I spend a lot of time telling you how you have wronged me, how I’m suffering and what other people have to say. I forget to tell you every day how much I love you. I remember seeing you for the first time, you were walking past the bar I said to her under myContinue reading “A Love Letter”
Tired
Yesterday I handed in notice on our home and my job, the last scraps of the life we shared. It brought the pain back to the surface, everything I’ve lost. Every ten minutes I remembered you were gone like it was fresh information and it crippled me the same as the first, every time. I’mContinue reading “Tired”
Tomorrow
Tomorrow I’m going back to our home to start packing up our life together. You’ll be pleased, the first thing I’m taking is your record collection, my dad bought special boxes, I’ll look after them. They feel like part of you, the only part I have left. The thing is with me here, it feelsContinue reading “Tomorrow”
Crippling Anxiety
You ripped the world out from under my feet 3 times in 3 months. The first was when the doctors told us it was advanced cancer and I realised all the results you had given me, the blood tests, the appointments, the decisions on your health care, the fucking mouthguard in my house were fabrications,Continue reading “Crippling Anxiety”
The Wave
The pain in my bones made its way out over night. There’s no covering it or pretending to be the old me today. I lay here for hours trying to remember your touch on my arm on your last morning. I can’t feel it anymore. I can’t feel anything but your loss. I tried toContinue reading “The Wave”
Halloween
To me that’s our day, from our very first one we spent all day together, carved pumpkins, decorated our garden, watched films so scary you would have to come to the toilet with me to keep me safe. That was when I believed you were safe. Today I’ve been hiding from it, I can’t faceContinue reading “Halloween”
What you left me with 