Hello F, it’s been so long since I wrote to you but I talk to you in my head every day. Your 40th birthday passed. I marked it as best as I could. The ones who love you couldn’t or didn’t want to share in it with me. The ones who love me made itContinue reading “Your 40th Birthday”
Tag Archives: personal
Saudade
That day was maybe our last good day I remember, it was tainted by a lot. Now I look back I realise how dark it was too. We spent the day in town, we went for breakfast, or rather I did and you watched me eat and drank a coffee in silence. We searched forContinue reading “Saudade”
Crippling Anxiety
You ripped the world out from under my feet 3 times in 3 months. The first was when the doctors told us it was advanced cancer and I realised all the results you had given me, the blood tests, the appointments, the decisions on your health care, the fucking mouthguard in my house were fabrications,Continue reading “Crippling Anxiety”
The Wave
The pain in my bones made its way out over night. There’s no covering it or pretending to be the old me today. I lay here for hours trying to remember your touch on my arm on your last morning. I can’t feel it anymore. I can’t feel anything but your loss. I tried toContinue reading “The Wave”
Halloween
To me that’s our day, from our very first one we spent all day together, carved pumpkins, decorated our garden, watched films so scary you would have to come to the toilet with me to keep me safe. That was when I believed you were safe. Today I’ve been hiding from it, I can’t faceContinue reading “Halloween”
Can You Come Home Now?
It was 2 months yesterday that you left me, I didn’t notice until this morning, I don’t know how. In some ways it feels like you were never real, or that you have been gone for a life time, at the same time I live in the day you died constantly like it’s happening rightContinue reading “Can You Come Home Now?”
Everyone else’s needs
They lost you too and they lost me with you. I try to remember that, I try to remember their guilt, they used to listen to me talk about your health, our issues, some of them begged me to leave for my own sanity. Some of them are the only people who saw you butContinue reading “Everyone else’s needs”
Sex & Death
I think about this a lot. I remember at your mothers funeral we had sex. It’s probably the comfort of the connection and who’s to say what’s healthy and what’s not? Ive found myself in a strange position without you in that all I want is that connection and you’re not here for it. IveContinue reading “Sex & Death”
The Lying
You lied to me so much, I thought you were honest. For 6 months before you were diagnosed I couldn’t find the ground under my feet. You knew, you watched, it turns out you spied on me, so you knew everything. Yet you just couldn’t tell me. You watched me grapple with self doubt, youContinue reading “The Lying”
Stuck in a loop
My feelings and thoughts get stuck in a loop. It’s all day but it happens most at this time, at night when everyone else has gone to bed, gone to their special person. Even he sleeps now, my partner in insomnia. It’s just me and the absence of you. My loop tonight, the day youContinue reading “Stuck in a loop”
What you left me with 