pain – What you left me with

Saudade

That day was maybe our last good day I remember, it was tainted by a lot. Now I look back I realise how dark it was too. We spent the day in town, we went for breakfast, or rather I did and you watched me eat and drank a coffee in silence. We searched forContinue reading “Saudade”

Quitting Smoking

I’m quitting smoking. I did that once before but you started happily supplying me with cigarettes 9 months later. Seems pretty dark with everything I know now. She said she’d help me like she offered months ago. I’m glad, I gave the opportunity I had to you then. To try anything to help your pain.Continue reading “Quitting Smoking”

Who Was I Living With?

I decided it was time to delete the secrets from your computer and phone. That I try and move past the betrayal. Before I did I couldn’t help but take one more look around and that’s when I found it. The darkest thing yet. You went on a fetish dating site. You used the detailsContinue reading “Who Was I Living With?”

Sorry it’s been a while

Sorry it’s been a while F. I promise I’ve been thinking of you, in fact I do pretty much nothing but. I’m somehow on the other side of Christmas without you. It was awful. I screamed on the day. By Boxing Day I was paralysed. I had to get someone else to watch the pupContinue reading “Sorry it’s been a while”

Another Punch to the Gut

Fun news today F. Right back when I found out about your secrets I attempted to follow one of the women on Instagram. Looking at other accounts I actually assumed she had died. Another tragedy. But today she accepted my follow request. She was just in hiatus. There was your secret Instagram account and emailContinue reading “Another Punch to the Gut”

Alone

Today has been a day of alone. For days now the pain has been outside of my bones, slicing through every part of me, I can’t find a way to put it back inside. I reached out to all 4 of them and him, they can usually help me take control of it but IContinue reading “Alone”

Tired

Yesterday I handed in notice on our home and my job, the last scraps of the life we shared. It brought the pain back to the surface, everything I’ve lost. Every ten minutes I remembered you were gone like it was fresh information and it crippled me the same as the first, every time. I’mContinue reading “Tired”

Crippling Anxiety

You ripped the world out from under my feet 3 times in 3 months. The first was when the doctors told us it was advanced cancer and I realised all the results you had given me, the blood tests, the appointments, the decisions on your health care, the fucking mouthguard in my house were fabrications,Continue reading “Crippling Anxiety”

The Wave

The pain in my bones made its way out over night. There’s no covering it or pretending to be the old me today. I lay here for hours trying to remember your touch on my arm on your last morning. I can’t feel it anymore. I can’t feel anything but your loss. I tried toContinue reading “The Wave”

Sex & Death

I think about this a lot. I remember at your mothers funeral we had sex. It’s probably the comfort of the connection and who’s to say what’s healthy and what’s not? Ive found myself in a strange position without you in that all I want is that connection and you’re not here for it. IveContinue reading “Sex & Death”