grief – What you left me with

Your 40th Birthday

Hello F, it’s been so long since I wrote to you but I talk to you in my head every day. Your 40th birthday passed. I marked it as best as I could. The ones who love you couldn’t or didn’t want to share in it with me. The ones who love me made itContinue reading “Your 40th Birthday”

Saudade

That day was maybe our last good day I remember, it was tainted by a lot. Now I look back I realise how dark it was too. We spent the day in town, we went for breakfast, or rather I did and you watched me eat and drank a coffee in silence. We searched forContinue reading “Saudade”

Far Away

Today marked 7 months, you are getting so far away from me. I have just been missing you. I want to feel your tangible effects again. I struggle without a faith that so many have. To me, our afterlife is in the people we leave behind, in the memories of us. Your memory is soContinue reading “Far Away”

Quitting Smoking

I’m quitting smoking. I did that once before but you started happily supplying me with cigarettes 9 months later. Seems pretty dark with everything I know now. She said she’d help me like she offered months ago. I’m glad, I gave the opportunity I had to you then. To try anything to help your pain.Continue reading “Quitting Smoking”

I Can’t Get Up

It will be 6 months this week since you left me, I know it’s time to get up. I can feel people’s patience wearing thin with me but each step feels like the impossible task. I can feel the world moving on without me and part of me desperately wants to jump on board butContinue reading “I Can’t Get Up”

My Big Loves

You are my biggest love. You shaped me the most and we built our lives around each other. I’m more me because I had you. I think the biggest thing you ever gave me was a challenge, you were the best at making me see other points of view. You introduced me to new andContinue reading “My Big Loves”

Preserving Your Words

Just under 2 weeks before you were diagnosed out of the blue you sent me a really long message. We had been so far apart for so long that those words sent me crashing to the floor in the street and she had to send a taxi for me. When I discovered how ill youContinue reading “Preserving Your Words”

Hello Again

The second I tried to say goodbye all of my anger towards you faded again leaving me in a another wave of pure grief. I’ve been rooted to the chair in a way I haven’t in what seems like forever but is probably only a matter of weeks. Time has lost all meaning. I lookedContinue reading “Hello Again”

Who Am I Without You?

After the revelations in the past few weeks I really want to let you go. I obviously never knew you so continuing my life in a state of grief for you seems ridiculous and dishonest. The problem is you’re a part of my identity now. When you were alive we were one of the strongestContinue reading “Who Am I Without You?”

Feeling Judged

There are so many expectations to being a widow. Ridiculous really given that I had no choice in the matter and it’s not what I wanted. Some of them are expectations I put on myself. I’m constantly afraid that I’ll be judged for how I behave. I won’t let anyone tag me in a pictureContinue reading “Feeling Judged”