Quitting Smoking

I’m quitting smoking. I did that once before but you started happily supplying me with cigarettes 9 months later. Seems pretty dark with everything I know now. She said she’d help me like she offered months ago. I’m glad, I gave the opportunity I had to you then. To try anything to help your pain.Continue reading “Quitting Smoking”

Who Am I Without You?

After the revelations in the past few weeks I really want to let you go. I obviously never knew you so continuing my life in a state of grief for you seems ridiculous and dishonest. The problem is you’re a part of my identity now. When you were alive we were one of the strongestContinue reading “Who Am I Without You?”

Feeling Judged

There are so many expectations to being a widow. Ridiculous really given that I had no choice in the matter and it’s not what I wanted. Some of them are expectations I put on myself. I’m constantly afraid that I’ll be judged for how I behave. I won’t let anyone tag me in a pictureContinue reading “Feeling Judged”

Who Was I Living With?

I decided it was time to delete the secrets from your computer and phone. That I try and move past the betrayal. Before I did I couldn’t help but take one more look around and that’s when I found it. The darkest thing yet. You went on a fetish dating site. You used the detailsContinue reading “Who Was I Living With?”

The Facts

I don’t know much for sure but all of this has been running around my head for months. This is what I do know. You told me when you were diagnosed that you had noticed something wrong with your mouth about 10 months before. When I looked in your email you had transactions with dodgyContinue reading “The Facts”

Crippling Anxiety

You ripped the world out from under my feet 3 times in 3 months. The first was when the doctors told us it was advanced cancer and I realised all the results you had given me, the blood tests, the appointments, the decisions on your health care, the fucking mouthguard in my house were fabrications,Continue reading “Crippling Anxiety”

Sex & Death

I think about this a lot. I remember at your mothers funeral we had sex. It’s probably the comfort of the connection and who’s to say what’s healthy and what’s not? Ive found myself in a strange position without you in that all I want is that connection and you’re not here for it. IveContinue reading “Sex & Death”

The Lying

You lied to me so much, I thought you were honest. For 6 months before you were diagnosed I couldn’t find the ground under my feet. You knew, you watched, it turns out you spied on me, so you knew everything. Yet you just couldn’t tell me. You watched me grapple with self doubt, youContinue reading “The Lying”