widowedandyoung

Puzzle Pieces

I finally caught Covid or it might have actually been Monkey Pox. The terror came over me when I saw that line, for a second I felt like I still had to protect you from it. Then the sadness that the cancer had already taken you, then the delirium as I spent two 38 degreeContinue reading “Puzzle Pieces”

Letting Go (At least Temporarily)

Hello F. I fell completely apart and I ran back to our city. I’ve been surrounded by love all week. I’ll get some honesty out of the way. I had my heart broken by someone else. I came to get away from him. To put myself back together. He tried not to let me forContinue reading “Letting Go (At least Temporarily)”

I Just Didn’t Want To Say Goodbye

I just didn’t want to say goodbye. The permanency of it all is too much for me. I still face the permanency of you. I put that on him when it’s really about something else. I feel myself behaving erratically and yet I continue even knowing that it is to my own detriment. I’m notContinue reading “I Just Didn’t Want To Say Goodbye”

Out of Control

I’m in real trouble F. You know I must be to write to you twice in one night. I’ve let it all get away with me, I let myself get wrapped up in someone else. I felt real joy and excitement for the first time in so long it was infectious. I allowed myself toContinue reading “Out of Control”

Sweetheart

It’s gone wrong with this guy I’ve been seeing already. It reminds me how special you were. There won’t be another like you. The problem I face with relationships after you is that I’m so unsure on my feet. I can’t tell if I’m overreacting to things because I am damaged, if my feelings andContinue reading “Sweetheart”

Coming Back Around

It’s all coming back around. Today is a year since you sent me that message that had me crashing to the floor. I still didn’t know what was really happening but it was the first sign you were truly scared and everything was about to fall apart. I’m falling apart again, I started to getContinue reading “Coming Back Around”

Stumbles and Misfires

It’s been a tough week. I’ve been struggling without you and the pup and I’ve been keeping secrets from you. Seems odd to be concerned about getting back to full honesty with you now, but it helps me to know that I’m still loving you as fully as I can. I listen to a songContinue reading “Stumbles and Misfires”

She’s Gone Too

I’m sorry F, I didn’t know how to tell you but I lost our pup on the 27th as well. Exactly 9 months after we lost you. I feel like another piece of you went with her. That’s the end of our little family, It’s just me, and I sleep alone now. I think IContinue reading “She’s Gone Too”

Your 40th Birthday

Hello F, it’s been so long since I wrote to you but I talk to you in my head every day. Your 40th birthday passed. I marked it as best as I could. The ones who love you couldn’t or didn’t want to share in it with me. The ones who love me made itContinue reading “Your 40th Birthday”

Saudade

That day was maybe our last good day I remember, it was tainted by a lot. Now I look back I realise how dark it was too. We spent the day in town, we went for breakfast, or rather I did and you watched me eat and drank a coffee in silence. We searched forContinue reading “Saudade”