I finally caught Covid or it might have actually been Monkey Pox.
The terror came over me when I saw that line, for a second I felt like I still had to protect you from it. Then the sadness that the cancer had already taken you, then the delirium as I spent two 38 degree days hiding in the loft to not spread it to anyone in the house.
I spent four days in self isolation and after those ten days trying to let go the down was uncontrollable. My bed was empty, no you to look after me, no pup to keep my company.
Today I am going to a wedding, the first since we didn’t get ours and the first without you. Most of the people who love me have dropped out so I’m not sure how I’m going to cope. I don’t want to let him down though, it’s a giant day in his world. I guess I’ll let you know if I make it through.
He wants to be friends, or so he says, I’m not sure what that means to him. I suspect it’s just so I don’t hate him, he is too afraid of people not thinking he’s perfect. I’m not sure I want to be, I’m not sure he’s who I thought he was or who he made himself out to be.
He says he cares about me and wants to make sure I’m ok and yet ignores my messages. I think friendship means something more to me than it does to him. I’ve always been loyal and reliable and emotionally available to the ones I love and since you left even more so. They are all I have. I think he wonders how I have such a big and close circle, he thinks he gives like I always have, I don’t think he knows what that looks like.
Tomorrow will be 11 months that I’ve carried our love by myself. It’s so heavy I feel it pulling me down all of the time and I’m just so sad that I haven’t seen you in that long. My highs are just erratic bits of time where I feel disconnected from myself and they make the lows feel unbearable. Most of the time when I speak now I hear the words coming from my mouth but they don’t feel like they are coming from me.
Today I wish we were doing one of our movie jigsaws, I loved how you could get excited over such mundane things, it was infectious. I’m putting myself back together as best as I can, but the biggest piece is missing x