Letting Go (At least Temporarily)

Hello F.

I fell completely apart and I ran back to our city. I’ve been surrounded by love all week.

I’ll get some honesty out of the way. I had my heart broken by someone else. I came to get away from him. To put myself back together. He tried not to let me for a few days but last night I let him go completely. I’m connected to you again. The way it should be.

On Monday I went skinny dipping with two of the women who love me. It was beautiful. I spent 20 minutes feeling like myself again. Connected to the world, grounded. I’ve already forgotten what it felt like but I remember that I thought it at the time. I told them too.

Yesterday I put my adrenaline to use and climbed trees. I have so little fear of the physical now. Like when I got into the cold water, I felt like my outside matched my inside. I felt balanced.

I bumped into an old crush on Saturday, had an impromptu date, spent the night, let it just be that. That’s how I’ve been living this week, moment to moment. Letting things happen and enjoying the present. You know I’ve always needed to feel in control, it’s been liberating to accept that I’m not, that anything could happen next and it could be wonderful and exciting, not just terrifying.

I saw him for the first time too, something I’ve worried about for years. It was at sports day. I went to watch the girls. It was such an anti climax. I said Hi, he blanked me, sat 4 people away and looked as miserable as ever. I’ve taken back control of that one and more importantly so has she. She smiles and laughs with friends while he faces the consequences of his actions.

I ran a restaurant for a day, I was nervous leading up to it. I never wanted to step foot on the floor again but she needed my help. I was still great at it and it felt like such an achievement. Imagine me doing that six months ago.

I’m not sure if I ever want to leave now. Last night I talked to him about moving in together. He wants to. He’s going back to the states for a while, maybe we can plan to do it when he gets back. You’ll have been gone for a whole year then. Although I’m told by all widows the second year is the hardest.

I’m not sure why I’m writing to you today, just that I’ve done so much and I’d love to tell you all about it. When I was excited about something you would watch me so intently while I smiled and gesticulated and spoke at a million miles an hour. I loved the way you looked at me. I miss you xx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: