I just didn’t want to say goodbye. The permanency of it all is too much for me. I still face the permanency of you.
I put that on him when it’s really about something else. I feel myself behaving erratically and yet I continue even knowing that it is to my own detriment. I’m not this person, at least I wasn’t.
I liked the person I was when I met him, the old me shone through and the new bits complimented her. I let it take over though and it crushed it all. Now I’m the anxious mess you would hate again. I made him feel that way about me too.
I need the four back. I just wish I was closer to them. They help me see the light and hold me when it’s dark and scary. They can distract me, or hide with me, or turn the worst things into the funniest jokes. He asked me to stop joking with him, I think that’s where it went wrong. I use that to hold the intrusive thoughts at bay. He only left me one outlet.
Today I have been mad at you again, not for the hookers, but for the secrets and the choices around your cancer. You had so many other choices, I had none because I didn’t know. You left me here, alone. I know you didn’t mean to, but the world is so awful without you. I’m stumbling over my own feet as I try to get up, the weight of this love alone keeps me stationary when I try to move, and the pain in my bones has me screaming with any steps I do manage.
I asked too much of him and I know it, I expected too much of myself too. I wanted him to see the old me, but she’s gone now, you took her with you when you left.
I hope he knows I’m sorry, that he’s right. That I do like him but I know he’s not right for me either. I made myself sound like a mad woman. I think I was talking to you really. I’m always talking to you really, begging for you to come home to me, to put an end to all of this misery.
I’ve asked him to come to me, I doubt he will have the time, but even in my worst hours he has made me feel comfortable in my skin even for a few moments. It feels like I’m trying to burst out of it right now. I scream and I can’t find relief. She wants to try and hospitalise me again, she doesn’t understand there are no practical solutions to this. I would let them knock me out though, some rest would do me good.
I guess I haven’t said goodbye to you, that’s why I write to you, so it feels like you’re still out there somewhere x