Out of Control

I’m in real trouble F. You know I must be to write to you twice in one night.

I’ve let it all get away with me, I let myself get wrapped up in someone else. I felt real joy and excitement for the first time in so long it was infectious. I allowed myself to be pulled in and now I’ve had to give it up, all of the pain is back in my bones. The tolerance I had built up over months has gone completely and it feels like the start all over again.

I would give anything to be held by you right now, for you to tell me it’s all over now, it will all be ok.

I can’t have that but I need to be held by someone, someone who sees me as special. I thought I might have been on my way to that but that’s the danger when you’re as vulnerable as me. Every emotion hits hard, they control my every move and thought. They block out reality, the good as well as the bad.

I think my inner narrative has lost its grip on the real world. I think I’m losing my mind.

I can’t tell if the sadness and panic I am feeling right now is you, him, transference, resistance. I just know that it is in charge. I want to give in, to tell him I was wrong. Maybe I am but I don’t think so. To feel this way after a short period of time is very unhealthy. I guess it would be even after a long amount of time. I just need some control. Control over what you might say? We can never truly be in control. I just want to feel in charge of my own destiny, my own present, It has been so long since I have.

I think I lost that sense of control when I gave up my business. I never got it back fully and then everything crashed around me and you were suddenly gone, our home was gone, our life was gone, everything I built was gone. I had no say, you decided for us both how this would end.

I had a say at the end this time. It was all I could give myself.

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