It’s all coming back around.
Today is a year since you sent me that message that had me crashing to the floor. I still didn’t know what was really happening but it was the first sign you were truly scared and everything was about to fall apart.
I’m falling apart again, I started to get back on my feet but it was a false start. Even now everything around me isn’t as it seems and anything I start to trust crumbles beneath me.
The tears and the stomach churning have been going all day, I can’t breathe again.
The intrusive thoughts are back, I see you sick, I feel all the emotions like everything is happening for the first time all over again. I’m desperate to hold you.
I keep longing to reach out, but to who? I’m isolated since I left our city. I have friends out here but it’s not the same. I can’t walk down the street and see a face I love here, or be in the arms of them in minutes. I just want your arms, your comfort, your advice, your consolation, to lie in your arms and watch tv until the tears gently stop.
The pain in my bones is agony today. The unshared love weighing me down and holding me to the floor while I scream for you. No one can help me. I’ve thought about a crisis line, but what can they do for me? There’s no fix for this except for the nothingness. It calls to me again.
I feel weakness in my wrists as I remember the only way to truly end your life is to slit down and across the artery.
I feel pressure in the side of my head as I think about suicide by gun being the most succesful.
Then I see my niece’s future if she finds me or deals with another loss too grown up for her to handle. I know I have to stay but I can’t control the thoughts or the feelings, they overwhelm me.
I wish for a chance to speak to you now I know everything and I know you knew my mistakes too. With nothing between us could we understand all of this? Could we find peace? Could we find a future?