She’s Gone Too

I’m sorry F, I didn’t know how to tell you but I lost our pup on the 27th as well. Exactly 9 months after we lost you.

I feel like another piece of you went with her. That’s the end of our little family, It’s just me, and I sleep alone now.

I think I let her down, like I let you down. She had been off her food for a while, she’s done that lots of times but I should have taken her to the vets. I guess I was too wrapped up in my own grief and too afraid of what the vets would say, I knew she was getting old. I knew you wouldn’t be here to help me when the worst happenned.

When her spleen burst her head went back and her eyes rolled just like yours, I thought she was gone in that moment. Then she let out the most harrowing scream. She was with us for another hour, the vet told me she was in agony and I had to make the choice alone to let her free of that.

He said he’d never seen a dog in her condition stand, but our pup, stoic to the end like you, was up and wagging her full butt and giving kisses almost to the last moment. I thought I had made a mistake, she seemed so her, so alive. Then I gave her permission to rest and the suffering was so clear.

My brother and my mum were with us and we held her as she went. He wept like I’ve never seen him and I screamed as another piece of me was torn out. I told her in the last few minutes that if I’m wrong and there is an afterlife to give you hell for what you did to us. I’m sure she wouldn’t though, she’d greet you with wags, bounces and pillow in her mouth as your gift.

I don’t know what comes next, I know the nothingness isn’t an option but I’m so far away from my life, from the person I was, from having anything of my own again. I’m lost.

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