It will be 6 months this week since you left me, I know it’s time to get up. I can feel people’s patience wearing thin with me but each step feels like the impossible task.
I can feel the world moving on without me and part of me desperately wants to jump on board but the part of me that loves you completely just wants to cling on to you. Stay here with you, the pain and suffering just an extension of who we were together.
I’m told on the other side of this I will be stronger, more compassionate, more connected. I can promise the world I will never be more of those things than in the moments you screamed in pain despite being barely able to make a sound. When we held hands, looked deeply in each other’s eyes and breathed together to find you some relief. You fought against it regularly but it always worked like our love and bond could fight anything.
Half of that love and bond is gone now, I’m holding onto it but you’re in the nothingness, no consciousness, no thoughts, no love. The weight of carrying it all alone tugs on my organs and my bones and stops me from moving.
In your worst moments you’d tell me you couldn’t do it anymore. You were begging to be let go. I always told you all you had to do was face each day with me and you told me you could do that. I knew a day was coming soon that I’d have to face it all without you and now I’ve had 180 of those days. I’m not sure if I can do it anymore.
He held me in his arms recently in my waking moments, while it was all coming rushing back and the panic was setting in for another day. It was safe, he was there, but he wasn’t you and he couldn’t give me the same peace you did. He tried. He loves me too, but it’s not the same.
I went back to our city, walked the same streets we did together every day. They felt strange, memories came flooding back, ones I forgot I had. They weren’t haunted by you though, not in the way I wanted, I couldn’t feel you there anymore. The doorway where you should be in your big orange coat, taking the pup out, just had drunk strangers.
This is why I can’t get up, I don’t want my life and insides to feel empty of you too.