Hello Again

The second I tried to say goodbye all of my anger towards you faded again leaving me in a another wave of pure grief. I’ve been rooted to the chair in a way I haven’t in what seems like forever but is probably only a matter of weeks. Time has lost all meaning.

I looked at our pup yesterday, something struck me, I felt like I could see your special relationship with her right in front of my eyes. She loves me but it’s not the same for her. What you two had was pure and I felt it’s loss like being hit with a bat to the gut, sending me to the floor.

In the past two days I have messaged you a few times, something I haven’t done before, so afraid that you could never respond. Imessenger instantly said unable to deliver and I realised your number is gone, I tried Facebook messenger and they sit there undelivered too. Even though I know you can’t reply it brings me comfort to see your name at the top of my messages like it always used to be.

It’s officially done with that guy I told you about, something I have noticed is that men are instantly more interested when I tell them I have been widowed. Like it triggers their saviour instinct, but I was shown quite quickly that the reality of it is not what they expect or can handle. I’ll take it slower next time and try and keep my walls a little lower with my expectations.

To be honest I am just desperate to go home, but it doesn’t exist anymore. Someone else lives in our house and you are not there to comfort me, wrap me up in your giant body and hide me from the world. I’m not the same person either, so even if you were still here maybe I couldn’t go back.

I am headed back to our city for a weekend soon, I’m nervous. It’s his birthday and I’m sure he’ll want to visit our old haunts and you’ll be missing from them. I’ll be surrounded by the people that knew and loved you, the ones that don’t know all that you have done to me. I will have to play a part in front of them.

I’ve been watching reality TV with them, something you would be amazed at, but the reason I am telling you is that the latest season lined up with the countdown to COVID. The anxiety I got watching it was unreal. I can remember where we were and what we were doing on most of those days in March 2020. The crew don’t know what is about to hit and neither did we. I couldn’t imagine I was going to lose you because of the pandemic. I know without COVID you couldn’t have lied so well, other people would have seen you, I could have insisted on going to the doctors with you, you wouldn’t have been so afraid of the outside world and your mental health wouldn’t have declined so badly.

I miss you F, the grief is so much harder than the anger. The only person who could comfort me in this is you and you’re the person who has gone.

One thought on “Hello Again

  1. I know that bat to the gut… I also have moved homes and cities, as I couldn’t bear to be with the old life any longer. I’m finding a new life, new activities, new interests, new community. I don’t talk to my R the way you talk to F. I wonder why? I was there when he passed, and part of me just knows he’s not listening to me. God has been my comfort, even though he’s not tangible. Ugh… this is all so hard. Hugs to you today…


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