Who Am I Without You?

After the revelations in the past few weeks I really want to let you go. I obviously never knew you so continuing my life in a state of grief for you seems ridiculous and dishonest.

The problem is you’re a part of my identity now. When you were alive we were one of the strongest and longest standing couples among our friends and everyone knew us as a duo. We weren’t together all of the time, but so many people I knew, I met after we were together. I was with you for most of my adult life. Who am I if I’m not one half of that?

The grief and the trauma have become part of me too. As I was seen as your other half in my old life, I’m your widow in my new life. If I start to see a future without you, I have to let this new part of me go too. Let in some of the joy and let go of my support network a bit, give them freedom from it too. I have gotten so used to them being around for me, it terrifies me to imagine a world where they don’t check in daily.

Today I gave joy a chance. It was my niece’s birthday party. I brought the fun, they loved me like kids used to. I buzzed off it. I get a drop though afterwards. Like when you laugh too hard for a while and then when the rush is gone nothing feels good for a while. The crash comes from nowhere and is long and bleak. He says like you can condition yourself with CBT in 12 weeks I’ve spent months conditioning myself to be miserable. How do I break that cycle?

I bought myself an electronic drum kit, you would be jealous, you always wanted your own. At first learning to play the drums was an idea I had to honour you, to be able to play your kit. When he started teaching me I found real excitement for the first time in a year. I knew it was for me. My counsellor says it’s the perfect self care so now it’s all about me and let’s be honest your kit is mine now. I’ve started claiming your stuff as my own just like I’m trying to claim my life back from what you did to it.

I’m going to start saying goodbye to you properly. You’ll always be a part of me but so will the trauma you caused. I read a quote on here a few days ago:

“Your absence has gone through me

Like thread through a needle.

Everything I do is stitched with its colour.” – W. S. Merwin

That’s true it’s just some of the colours are bright and vibrant but others are murky and dirty.

Goodbye my love, goodbye dark stranger.

2 thoughts on “Who Am I Without You?

  1. Goodbyes, are so difficult and especially with all the deceit you have needed to process. My heart leaped when you transitioned to goodbye. My grief has many goodbyes, but I’ve learned that the goodbye leads to a Hello to ourselves, a new understanding of our self. Hugs to you today…

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