The Headstone

Well here I am finding myself writing to you again and no, I haven’t taken down your photos.

I spoke to your dad yesterday he told me he’d had you headstone engraved. He actually told me it had been done since December but this is the first time he mentioned it to me. He sent me a picture, it just says a much loved son and brother. Another way I have been wiped from your history. If someone walked past in a hundred years with their dog they wouldn’t know that you shared a life with me, that you had some happiness. When someone researches their family tree it will say that their ancestor’s brother was single.

It destroyed me to see your name etched in stone, now I understand why it’s a phrase that describes permanence. Having my love for you and the life we built together disregarded sent me crashing to the ground again, it’s been a few weeks since I was there. Then I wished, after all of the pain you have caused me, it would be that easy to wipe away all of it. If only that was possible, Eternal Sunshine style, at least I wouldn’t have to worry about meeting you again and making the same mistakes.

I can’t see how I will ever be the confident, trusting person I used to be. I lost my mind yesterday and asked him, one of my closest friends, the man that turned up the second he heard you had gone, and turned up day after day to take me out of the house for a walk, the one I have entrusted all your secrets to and has walked with me emotionally through it all, if he was the one having threesomes with you? A crazy idea but it just seemed possible that if you could be this person maybe the other man close to me is too. He was calm and patient with me, someone who knows my vulnerabilities and sees where I come from.

What about those who don’t though? I told you I have been seeing someone. I know it would be too early even if your loss didn’t come with so much baggage but with it I find myself running from what could be a good thing. He’s great and could be something special but my instant reaction wasn’t to ask for his patience and take it slow, it was to set boundaries so there’s no way I can be made a fool of again. I told him it would never be serious and it’s probably true, I don’t have the capacity left to trust or to make good decisions for myself let alone another person I care about. I made it consensually non-exclusive and told him to look for love elsewhere. I guess I don’t feel like anyone could truly love me, I thought you did but it’s obvious now you didn’t love me the way I thought.

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