Sorry it’s been a while F. I promise I’ve been thinking of you, in fact I do pretty much nothing but.
I’m somehow on the other side of Christmas without you. It was awful. I screamed on the day. By Boxing Day I was paralysed. I had to get someone else to watch the pup because I couldn’t move without you. By 3.30pm I made it out of bed instead of wetting myself. Didn’t get quite that low although I did consider it.
4 months without you passed on the 27th. Tomorrow is NYE. Then Saturday I start a year you will never see. I can’t imagine it, it terrifies me.
I’m just in so much pain. My emotions go in circles but they’re always terrible, anger at you for the secrets, pain that I let you down, self flagellation that I couldn’t save you, fear about facing anything without you, shame at the suicidal fantasies, anxiety that the world is so unsafe, jealousy at other people’s lives, paralysed by future. These are the ones I can describe.
I laugh and joke with people but it doesn’t actually bring me relief. it’s a cover or a self defence mechanism. None of this is funny, nothing will ever be truly funny again without you.
Today I’ve thought so much about those last 7 weeks. I don’t think I’ve thought much about them, just tried to hide from them. We were both so afraid and wanted so much more. Your pain was unbearable to watch, I can’t imagine how it felt. I did everything I could but I was so far from perfect. I wanted to be at your side however awful it was. I selfishly would have kept you in the pain if I could have stayed with you. What a terrible person that makes me. I was tired, keeping up with the meds, trying to keep you calm and happy, trying to hide the pain and fear from you, dealing with the preemptive grief, loving you so hard, dealing with the appointments and the calls. It took it out of me. I wasn’t prepared when you left though. It just wasn’t fair, no matter how you got there neither of us deserved it. We deserved to have a chance to fight for us, to come back, to be able to truly express our love for each other. The mouth cancer stole even our last chances at that.
I’m not sure how I go on without you. I’m trying for them all though. All day every day the escape fantasy plays over and over. I’m sure you’d hate me if I did it too. You didn’t have time for selfishness or self pity. Ironic really I guess.
I just love you. I don’t know what else to say x