The Facts

I don’t know much for sure but all of this has been running around my head for months. This is what I do know.

You told me when you were diagnosed that you had noticed something wrong with your mouth about 10 months before. When I looked in your email you had transactions with dodgy online pharmacies as far back as October 2020. The first drugs you purchased were antibiotics and not pain killers. You said that far back you didn’t think of cancer. That tongue cancer was so rare it didn’t even cross your mind. If you just thought you had some kind of infection why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you call a normal doctor?

You told me you had known it was something really bad for 6 months and yet you still didn’t say anything. When I googled mouth cancer the first thing that comes up is the link to HPV. When the doctors asked you how much you smoked and combined it with your age they couldn’t understand how you had it. They concluded it must be a virus but they couldn’t find anything in testing. She asked our doctor friend could it have been that the HPV had gone as it sometimes does and that the cancer remained. He answered probably, that’s how cancer starts, he didn’t know he was talking about you.

I know that you were using cam sites to satisfy your smoking fetish regularly for our entire 11 year relationship. I remember stumbling across something when we first started dating on your computer about smoking women but being new I didn’t want to pry so I didn’t click on the link. I’ve logged into the two I found first and read all the conversations, all of the interactions for all of that time. I’ve seen how much money you spent. At points it was daily, it was while I lay next to you in San Fran the night before my birthday.

I’ve also seen the conversations as far back as 2017 where you ask to meet them and pay in real life to go down on them while they smoke, although I have no evidence that you actually ever did. I’ve seen that you tried to arrange it while I sat next to you at your brother’s wedding. I’ve seen how excited you got over it minutes after I snapped a photo of our Christmas tree we’d just put up together and then left for work.

I remember the one and only time that I thought you had lied to me before. You had said you were on your way home from a night out and didn’t arrive for 2 hours. Nowhere in our city takes 2 hours to get from. I asked you about it for about 10 minutes and you kept saying you were on your way back. Eventually you admitted what I believed to be the truth, that you had been playing poker in the casino. I told you at the time it was a strange thing to lie about and the lie had made me more worried than I needed to be. I didn’t care that you liked to play poker.

I remember the time I found the empty packet of Viagra in your pocket. I didn’t say anything to you but you realised somehow. You came straight to me and said that you had been taking it regularly in case we had sex so you were ready because you had been having problems at the time. I didn’t want to embarrass you and dig deeper, it was a sore subject between us. I took your word for it even though I thought it was strange that we hadn’t been having sex and you’d taken so many.

4 years ago I had pre-cancerous cells due to HPV. It didn’t even occur to me that it could have come from you.

These are the things I know and you’re not here to answer my questions. What conclusions would you draw from these facts?

The logical answer goes like this to me, you had been paying women at least semi regularly for a while in person, when something appeared on your tongue you thought it was a result of what you had been doing and tried to treat it yourself with secret antibiotics. When you realised it was likely cancer you too knew it was probably from HPV. If at any point you had told me what was going on you were afraid I would learn the truth. You didn’t trust me enough to love and protect you after your long term betrayal. The lie got so deep you couldn’t find your way out, especially after you had started the lock jaw explanation. It seems to me all of the lies I found are one big lie linked together. Without you here to ask I can’t know this for sure, it all just seems too much of a coincidence and explains so many things.

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