Dear F. I read somewhere in the past couple of days that spouses who leave us are ‘set in amber’. I’ve thought about it a lot and you’re not yet, maybe one day you will be but for now you’re still growing for me. I’m learning so much about you.
I’ve told you many times already how I learnt about your secrets and obviously that was a big change but I don’t just mean the painful stuff.
I’ve started playing a record a day and sharing them with the ones who love us both. You were so much more cultured than me and you did share some of your music, I remember you picking out CDs for our long drives. Some would be staples but you’d always put in some I hadn’t heard that you knew I would like. Still there’s so much you didn’t share with me. Going through your records gives me new insight into who you were.
It also evokes memories that I didn’t know I had. Like the out of order Aretha Franklin record. I realised I’d put it there when we first met. Did you leave it out of laziness or because it meant something to you? A part of you I’m still trying to decipher.
I cooked my first from scratch meal since you stopped eating today. That was a big step. Food was so much to you and when you couldn’t eat and didn’t want to cook I lost interest. I didn’t eat for weeks after you died other than the odd piece of toast every day. I still can’t eat for pleasure, just to keep going. When I cooked today I tried to remember what you would make for me. It was hard, you had so many recipes and didn’t seem to write them down. I wonder if they’re hidden in your phone somewhere. I’d love to discover a folder full of my favourite meals from you.
Today I’ve thought a lot about how I let you down as much as you let me down. When you pushed me away I couldn’t show you empathy properly anymore. I was so hurt I ran away. I should have questioned it, jumped in with two feet and fought for you. I’m sorry my love, you have no idea how much.
As well as still learning about you I’m falling in love with you all over again, I think I love you more now than I ever have including all of your flaws and not despite them. I always say that everyone’s flaws are the opposite side of the coin to the parts you love the most. The stoic and strong man I knew was the one who couldn’t tell me about the cancer. The man who could see in shades of grey, forgive and accept that two things could be true at once was the one who had a secret life. The man who thought deeply, researched everything and was an eloquent writer turned out to be the best liar I have ever met. All of these things are true about you at the same time and I love them all x