A Quarter of a Year

Yesterday marked 3 months since you left, a quarter of a year without you. I don’t know how I’ve made it this far.

Today your dad’s wife left him and went back to Italy. I think of him alone in your home without you or your mum and I worry for him. I know when you all lost her you were a rock to your dad. He called you so much you didn’t think you could handle his melancholy anymore but you kept answering anyway. Now you’re not here to pick up the phone to him. I will call him tomorrow and try and be there like you would. I’m thinking about offering to stay with him for a while but I don’t know if I could be in your home without you.

Today I also finished packing up our home. It’s not our home anymore. It’s an empty shell. I guess it has been since the night you stopped breathing. Our lives fit into a 75 square foot box now. The saddest thing I have ever seen. As I left the house it looked like it did the day I viewed it for us and picked where we’d have the next stage of our lives together. The thought broke me. I couldn’t breathe again. When that happens I wish it would take me like it took you.

The wedding dress you never saw me in is hung up at her house. She’s taking it to the hospice shop K got her dress from for me. Another person I loved ripped out senselessly from me. I speak to her husband regularly now. We joined the exclusive club nobody wants to be a part of. The ones with nothing left in them. It’s been more than 2 years for him and he tells me that he’s just fed up of feeling sad. I know that’s what my life looks like, whatever everyone else tries to tell me. Me and him both know the truth. He stays so his children don’t find his body, he knows I understand.

This year has left me so battered and bruised that I can barely move. I get it together for a few hours at a time and something else hits. On Friday it was the first Christmas song, All I Want for Christmas is You. It took me straight back to decorating with you, to picking the tree and putting it up and to proposing to you, knowing that we were stuck together no matter what and that thought made me happy. You are all I want.

Tonight I am lay here again in the alone time. I’ve tried reaching out but none of them are available. Their lives carried on. You and me shared a life I have to live alone now. I’m trying.

They all say you wouldn’t want me to be suffering like this. Of course you wouldn’t. You wouldn’t want to be gone. You’d want to be smiling with me, to be lying here with me in your arms and feel that we’re together. But you’re not and that is why everything in me screams this way.

Im so sorry we let each other down this year, we should have done better. I’ll never forgive myself but I’m trying to forgive you, I love you still after all the revelations, maybe more, and it doesn’t need forgiveness. It just is.

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