I am desperate to talk to you, to be comforted by you, to be held by you.
The pup’s leg is really bad, she’s barely standing on it again and we both need you.
We buried your ashes on Friday, it was the hardest part so far. So final, you were in such a small box. How could my giant man fit in there?
The house is nearly packed up, I spent a few nights in it, it’s empty physically and it’s missing you. I found myself rattling around it at 2am in disbelief again.
It’s been nearly 3 months since you left me and it’s getting harder every day. Ways I could distract myself are working less, the anxiety is growing and the pain won’t stay in my bones for even one day anymore.
I just don’t know how to do this, to do anything without you. We weren’t a dependent couple, we worked because we stayed two people but you balanced me and supported me. Without you I can’t even stand let alone make anything of myself. I can’t even find myself.
I realised I’ve been describing it as being empty, nothing in me. But that nothing doesn’t leave space for anything else. It’s more like a black hole that sucks everything around it in leaving only the nothing of me.
I miss feeling safe and loved in a way only you could make me. I miss going around the house closing cupboard doors after you. I miss showing each other dog videos. I miss your cooking. I miss your dark humour. I miss the sound of you. I miss smelling which aftershave you had chosen every day. I miss your touch.
I just need you.