That’s where you are, your consciousness has ended, you experience nothing and you remember nothing. I am nothing to you now.
That is what I want, the nothingness, the end.
I notice online lots of people screaming for help to get rid of these thoughts but I welcome them. I don’t share them with anyone who could try to save me, just you.
Trying to escape it assumes one thing, that life is intrinsically valuable. It seems different to me, this planet has been destroyed before and thrived again, even if it had become a barren rock the universe wouldn’t even have blinked. Our existence is a coincidence, a blip in time, our individual existence even less. I know this, I have already been wiped from your history, when you were registered as single at your death. I was merely ‘present’ for it.
The plan forms stronger in my mind every day. I feel like it goes against who I used to be. I always tried to cause the least suffering possible. Experience might be coincidental but suffering is real. I know that leaving them all will cause more suffering but I can not face it all without you. You have been replaced with dread, anxiety and pain, if life is not intrinsically valuable then carrying on this way is a long battle to end in the nothingness anyway.
The only part left to consider is how to leave them gently. I intend to go quickly and violently which means it must be far away from them, leave them nothing to identify, leave nothing of me behind.
I am not afraid, I don’t look for well wishers to try and pick me back up, I just focus on the destination, the nothingness, where you are.