I spend a lot of time telling you how you have wronged me, how I’m suffering and what other people have to say. I forget to tell you every day how much I love you.
I remember seeing you for the first time, you were walking past the bar I said to her under my breath ‘I love him’ just as you turned back to drop your glass off, turning us into giggling school girls. You told me later you didn’t hear me, you had no idea. He recently told me, through his tears, it was love at first sight for you too.
Eleven years we spent together, most of my adult life so far but not nearly enough. When I tell the romantic stories to the people who love us I focus a lot on the early days, we didn’t have a big passion, but there was lots of romance in you.
Not just the big holidays you took me on but the small things, the cups of tea you would just offer to make me even though you didn’t drink it yourself, the hours of research into the next best 2 player board games for us to waste away time on together.
I remember the day we were supposed to go for a quick Sunday roast, 7 hours and £300 later we returned from one of my favourite days, Sunday lunch, red wine, pickle backs and far too many cigarettes but lots of smiles and giggles together.
I love how it felt when you hugged me from behind, completely engulfing me. I love how it felt to lie on your shoulder and feel small in your arms. I love how it felt for you to lie with your head on my lap while you watched tv.
Before it all started to go wrong we never went to bed without each other, if one was tired and the other one wanted to stay up we would nap on the sofa to head to bed together. I often thought about what made our relationship stronger than a lot of our friends. I would say that was it. It explains how it went so wrong when you stopped coming to bed.
You were the funniest, smartest and most cultured person I have ever met. Those are the things I will never find again. I spent a night unboxing your records, I cried and I smiled your taste was complicated like you, some of your favourite albums take patience like you. You would search out music, tv, films, books and podcasts that you had no interest in but you knew I would love. Without you all of those parts of my life will be less too.
A man of few words, you were a beautiful writer and even writing this I wish you were here to help me, you would make it so much better.
You loved to cook for me, I saw that you told your dad I hadn’t been eating well since you stopped and it was a shame because it was your favourite thing to do for me. I hate eating without you. I looked for some of your recipes in that notebook but you had stopped writing them down. I think a lot about your key lime pie, I don’t have a sweet tooth which you know but I loved it. You haven’t written it down anywhere, just one more thing I have lost of you.
Sometimes I hear your high pitched, one syllable chuckle when someone does something ridiculous. A sound of complete incomprehension that people could be so thoughtless in their actions. You were always considered in everything you said and did. I saw in the notes in your phone that you even planned Facebook posts before you put them out to the world and made sure to check your facts first.
You weren’t perfect but your flaws were the other side of the coin to your best features, one couldn’t exist without the other. I love every part of you now. I was telling him the other day how I miss your terrible driving. It drove (excuse the pun) me wild when you were alive, not ever focusing more than a car ahead, always surprised by what lane you had to be in, running lights by mistake, using one finger on the steering wheel. Now just thinking of it makes me smile and makes me ache for you.
I hope you knew how much I love you before you left, I know we had a tough year and I know I hurt you too. You really are the love of my life though. Truly rare, I doubt I’ll meet anyone close to who you were ever again, I doubt anyone who knew you will. I think we came back together for those last 7 weeks, I know I came back to you. Anyway I just wanted to say I love you and I miss you. This pain may be never ending and excruciating but it’s worth it to have been close to you.