Tired

Yesterday I handed in notice on our home and my job, the last scraps of the life we shared.

It brought the pain back to the surface, everything I’ve lost. Every ten minutes I remembered you were gone like it was fresh information and it crippled me the same as the first, every time.

I’m tired, I’m tired of trying to cover up how this feels, I’m tired of having to face this world without you, I’m tired of questioning everything and everyone.

Last night I was Googling ways to kill yourself, if I lived in the states I would just buy a gun and be done with it. Violently and quickly seems like the way to go. Most other methods seem to have such a low success rate. Just more likely to cause myself and everyone else more pain and be stuck here in a worse position without you. It does feel more and more like the only way out.

I don’t want to leave anything of myself behind, it feels like what I am is an empty vessel where I used to be, a dark shadow of the woman you loved and should be destroyed. I want to be in the nothingness with you.

I asked him, would he forgive me if I did it weeks ago. I don’t think he thought I was serious, but he said he would. Everyone else is strong enough to get through it I think. I do know what pain I would leave them though. The old me definitely wouldn’t do that to them. She would take on all of the anguish for the rest of time to protect them. I’m moving further away from her every day, they try and grasp on to her and I give them what I can but I’m nothing without you. I love you and I miss you x

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