You ripped the world out from under my feet 3 times in 3 months.
The first was when the doctors told us it was advanced cancer and I realised all the results you had given me, the blood tests, the appointments, the decisions on your health care, the fucking mouthguard in my house were fabrications, my life had been a lie for at least 6 months.
The second was the night you died, that one I can’t blame you for, you were as afraid as me, at least it was quick for you. I live in that night constantly though. Feel the fear of those 15 minutes giving CPR as if I was doing it right now.
The third is when I found all of your cam site accounts, your secret fetish. At best you had a crippling porn addiction that played havoc with our sex life but from the messages I read it seems you were probably paying them in real life too. Putting my physical health at risk as much as my mental. This one destroyed me the most. It destroyed the identity I had placed on us, our relationship was never safe after all.
When your life is ripped away 3 times in 3 months it becomes impossible not to think the next one is on its way. I’m not sure what else could be taken away but it feels like anything at any moment.
I question everything. Why haven’t they replied to me? Did I do something? Did I miss something? Do they hate me now? Has my new darkness pushed them away? Why did they write it like that? Do they blame me too? Do they really think if I had an inkling of how sick you were I wouldn’t have been fighting hard? Do they think I didn’t fight at all?
There’s no reprieve from the anxiety, it is a part of me now. You always found my anxious nature tiresome, I bet you would hate the new me.
Anxiety holds me in this chair if I’m lucky, sometimes it sends me crashing to the floor shaking from head to toe.
It has me texting anyone and everyone at all times of day, desperate for a connection, a reaction to let me know they still love me, that they haven’t gone anywhere, that they’re not going anywhere.
It’s an awful state to be in and it makes it impossible to function. It makes it impossible to face the day. It makes it impossible to face the future.
They say with dark thoughts that you should wait until the morning, it will feel better then. But what do you do if you barely sleep or when you do nod off it feels like being brought back with an adrenaline shot to the heart? What do you do if the dark thoughts just linger in your mind constantly never receding?
They tell me hold on, you have so much life ahead of you. All I see is 40 years without you, 40 years in fight or flight, 40 years not trusting anyone again, 40 years being empty, 40 years of pain. I hope they’re right but I just can’t see it.
Today I am angry at you again, it’s part of the back and forth. He described it as ‘living in a Russian roulette of emotions’. I told him ‘yes, but every chamber is loaded’.