The Wave

The pain in my bones made its way out over night. There’s no covering it or pretending to be the old me today.

I lay here for hours trying to remember your touch on my arm on your last morning. I can’t feel it anymore. I can’t feel anything but your loss.

I tried to live in some good moments, however tainted they may be now, but all I can see is the moment you left me. How scared you were and feel how scared I was, how scared I still am.

There’s no one here today, everyone’s life carried on past the moment ours ended. I left our home a few weeks ago because I couldn’t handle you all around me but it’s all I want right now. To put your records on, to see the destroyed dog toys you put in the back of the speakers because you could hear something minuscule that wasn’t quite right, to be surrounded by the images of all the memories we made.

The problem is I want you to be there too and it’s impossible to think that me and our pup couldn’t walk through the door and find you on the sofa watching DereckVon on YouTube. I used to find his voice so comforting but I haven’t been able to put it on without you.

Honestly I haven’t been able to do anything without you. I can’t imagine a future that doesn’t have you in it, most days I hide in the chair, just sit, don’t move, don’t move any further away from you.

I can’t understand how we ended up here, so far apart with no chance of coming back. I just want to go back, I can forgive it all if I can just feel your touch again, hear your voice again, see you smile again. I love you and that will never change even if it means I have to keep the pain in my bones forever to feel it.

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