Halloween

To me that’s our day, from our very first one we spent all day together, carved pumpkins, decorated our garden, watched films so scary you would have to come to the toilet with me to keep me safe. That was when I believed you were safe.

Today I’ve been hiding from it, I can’t face the fun of it, it feels like it should be a family day and my family is gone.

I’ve been running from it all to be honest, trying to escape the emptiness. Running at a million miles an hour and trying to find a way out from wherever I have found myself.

The thing is there is no way out from your absence, from your betrayal or from the end of everything I had. I’m stuck as this new person in this new world, one I never wanted.

I’ve been learning to hold back the tears, to allow myself to laugh, to allow some kind of pleasure but it all feels superficial. The inside still has nothing there, nothing left of who I was, nothing left of what I want to be.

Today I thought I’d meet a new person, another way to hide, I thought he could be a distraction. It was the opposite, just reminded me of what I had lost, reminded me how far away you really are, that my life is really over.

I miss you, I wish we were waiting for trick or treaters together now, that we had added even more to our front garden display, that you had ensured we keep some pumpkins inside for horror film mood lighting. That you were laughing at me as I ran around the house and turned every light on. That you would be in our bed when I woke up from nightmares to check under the bed so I could put my feet on the ground. I feel like my feet are never on the ground and I can’t find it without you.

I don’t think I can do another one of these, I doubt I’ll make it that far, but I’m hanging on for them, putting their feelings first. I still feel you in my bones but they scream as you’re slipping away.

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