Can You Come Home Now?

It was 2 months yesterday that you left me, I didn’t notice until this morning, I don’t know how.

In some ways it feels like you were never real, or that you have been gone for a life time, at the same time I live in the day you died constantly like it’s happening right now.

I wonder what you would think of me now? I was so strong and independent when you were here, I had an identity, now I’m just your widow.

The old me would never have joined dating sites. I did it. My plan for validation and distraction failed. I just found out quickly how special you really were, everyone else seems dull in comparison. Dull and shallow.

I met one person, he reminded me of you a little bit. Like you he knows things I don’t, interesting things, I found I couldn’t act out my plan on him, he didn’t deserve it. That is maybe a glimmer of the old me showing through. I had to tell him the truth, who I really was, that you existed. Now he’s just another part of losing you, I couldn’t reply to his messages today, I don’t want him, I just want you to come home.

I was ambitious with you, I was funny, I was optimistic and saw the future, the good in the world. I don’t think you’d like the me you would find if you really did come home. I can’t get out of this chair most of the time. It feels like the more I move the further I move from you, the more I’ve really lost of you.

I’m a shell now, sometimes I can act fine, but that’s it, it’s an act, a show. Inside there’s nothing there except a desire to be nothing with you. The future? Impossible. I grieve for the family we’ll never have. Your children I’ll never meet. I won’t get any of that now. I’ll never trust anyone again to give them that much of me.

I think I could be me again if you could just come home now. I could forgive everything and let myself be forgiven by you. I could find my way out of this darkness with you.

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