They lost you too and they lost me with you.
I try to remember that, I try to remember their guilt, they used to listen to me talk about your health, our issues, some of them begged me to leave for my own sanity. Some of them are the only people who saw you but me in the 6 months you said it was lock jaw, the only ones who had seen how much you had physically changed. I try to remember their pain, you were a friend and you were family to some of them, they lost you too. I try to remember their fear for me and their longing to help. I try to remember that we might be the centre of this particular story but we’re not the only ones who suffered.
I try and show them some of the old me, the one they love. I’m not sure if I do it for them or for me. I’m afraid they’ll still love me but they won’t like me anymore. Especially him, I need him the most, I put the most on him, he’s the most delicate too. I suspect a psychiatrist would tell me it’s a case of displacement, I love him in his own right though, not like I love you and he’s not mine like you either.
I try and reach out gently when I can, not drop them in the middle of the storm. They don’t always understand though or sometimes I feel like I’m going to blow away completely and I throw thunder and lightning at them. I started writing to you to give them some reprieve, to keep some of the darkest parts away from them.
I’m lucky to have them, they love me, I’m special to them but not their special person. I miss having you, my special person.
I suspect if I survive this it will be because of the 4 in the end. You know I have always been close to my family and they’re doing the best they can but the 4 show me something different, a tiny glimmer that maybe under the emptiness and pain there’s something small of me still in there.
Might that be my first mention of hope in 2 months? He’d like that. He’d tell me ‘see P, I told you, you can come back’. I don’t want to though, I don’t want to live a life without you, I want to just be in the nothingness with you. Feeling like I could heal feels like I could lose even more of you.
I stay here for them. I don’t tell them that I want to go soon, violently and quickly, that when I’m driving I wonder what I would have to hit and at what speed to kill me instantly and start a fire so hot it would turn me to ashes like you. I don’t want to scare them, I don’t want to give them the pain I have, to just pass it on. No one deserves this, I’ll hold it inside me so that it doesn’t empty them out too.
It’s all that I can give them & they give me everything they can.