Sex & Death

I think about this a lot. I remember at your mothers funeral we had sex. It’s probably the comfort of the connection and who’s to say what’s healthy and what’s not?

Ive found myself in a strange position without you in that all I want is that connection and you’re not here for it. Ive probably masturbated more than I’ve eaten in the past 2 months but it doesn’t have the same effect.

The people who know me would find that a strange thing to talk about. They’d find it even stranger that when I found your betrayal, the thought of you being that excited turned me on as much as ripped me to pieces.

I have someone I can fantasise with now. Everyone but him would find that awful. You’ve only just been widowed what are you doing? Honestly I don’t know. It’s a dangerous game. He’s someone I need in my life but it adds comfort and excitement and truly the only distraction that works, at least for the time it’s happening. The element of self destruction is probably part of it too.

Today I tried to join a dating site. She thinks it’s a terrible idea that it will make it worse but truthfully I’m not looking for love, I’m looking for sex. Sex with someone disposable. Someone I can lie to like I was lied to. I can’t say that out loud though. people won’t understand that. It makes me cruel, I’ve never been cruel. But like I’ve told you many times before there’s nothing of me left, nothing of the person they all love and want to save.

I don’t actually want to be saved and to be pulled out and be healthy like they all tell me I can be in time. That in itself would be another loss of you, a loss of how you’ve affected my being.

Some of my desire for sex is revenge against you, you had to pay for it but I won’t. Not a great revenge though, when you’re not here to see it. In your betrayal you took a great sex life from me, I didn’t know why, but I continued to love you anyway. Now that you’re gone I can’t believe you could do that to me, make me feel so unwanted and destroy my confidence repeatedly, not give me the answer that you had, the answer that could have brought us back together. While I’m still here I’ll make sure my needs are met however I want and not let other people’s ideas get in the way.

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