You lied to me so much, I thought you were honest. For 6 months before you were diagnosed I couldn’t find the ground under my feet. You knew, you watched, it turns out you spied on me, so you knew everything. Yet you just couldn’t tell me.
You watched me grapple with self doubt, you watched me make choices I never would have sane, you watched me cry and scream and disappear into myself, you watched me dig for reasons it could be this way after a decade and you couldn’t tell me. It’s not what I said it was, my jaw is fine, it’s my tongue, I think I have cancer, I’m really sick, I’ve been pushing you away to hide it.
Now I don’t trust anyone. If you, the closest person to me, could make up such an elaborate story, choose to watch my pain instead of saving me with honesty, why would anyone else be telling the truth? I want to fact check everything everyone says to me. You can’t fact check their emotions though. Do they love me? Do they want to run and hide from me? I can’t go through their phones and analyse everything they have ever said like I do to you now.
It’s like a curtain was drawn back and I saw the truth about humanity. How do I ever look someone in the eye and believe what they’re saying now? How did I live so naively before this? Is there anyone else out there like the old me who believes in integrity, that lives their life that way thinking the rest of the world around them is too?
It’s another part you took from me when you hollowed me out. I’m empty now except for the pain down to my bones, the anxiety, the mistrust, the self doubt, the confusion.
I thought you loved me, I guess I was wrong.